Is there such a thing as being "too sensitive"? Like a picture, we use negatives to develop.
"Over Sensitive" or 'Too Sensitive"
I've heard that I'm too much of these all of my life. It's always said in a derogatory fashion, as if this is a bad thing.
It's taken a while, but I don't think the level of sensitivity is the problem.
The reaction that I have to that sensitivity is.
It took me until, well, this week, to really figure that out.
John used to say it all the time, You aren't over sensitive, you are the right amount of sensitive for who you are. I've always thought it was sweet for him to try and phrase it in a nicer way, but the reality is, I've had too many years of hearing it as a negative personality trait to be able to see it as a positive one.
I've been dealing with a lot of situations that have me feeling emotionally raw and exposed of late. In trying to sort them out and make sense of what works for me and what doesn't, I got seriously frustrated and angry What did I do in the heat of battle, replayed the old messages, "I'm just too sensitive".
This time was different though. I stepped back and said to myself, "Self, how can I make that intense sensitivity work FOR me rather than against me? "
That's when it hit me.
I can use it as a tool to be more sensitive/compassionate to others.
I won't lie and tell you that I expect this will be easy or successful every time, but putting it to work in a different way than I've been doing since birth is a new challenge and kind of helping me redirect my sensitivity and frustrations.
I test drove it in a situation that demands focus, not on me, but on a person very close to me. This person is going through the early stages of grief for a spouse. The struggle here, is that this is a very personal and individual path. It's really challenging to not personalize on those conversations and just listen.
Roybert said it best. "We are on the same pathway through the darkness of grief, but the stops are experienced differently by each person. Just know that I'm only one stop ahead of you. Put your hand out if you stumble."
A little history here, so you can understand where this is going. I was told by my family, for pretty much my entire life that I am too sensitive and talk too much. That sums it up pretty well.
So back to the present, Our conversations, which are wonderful, have become very one sided as this person talks and asks questions and answers or completes my sentences for me. Not always correctly or in the direction I was planning to go. If I dare make a statement about not being an active participant in the conversation, or "let me finish my sentence", I get hit with something like "sorry, now you know what our lives were like growing up with you"
It's taken a LOT of work, but I realized that had to take a step back and make it not be about me. The cheap shots not withstanding - it wasn't about me. This person is needing the companionship of regular conversation that they no longer have with their spouse. They never let each other get a word in edgewise in life. So why would I expect to get the same? I realized I had become the surrogate spouse.
And you know what? That's OK with me. It's taken the better part of year for me to figure this out and decide to accept and step into that role. This person needs this time now to process and sort it out. All I can do now is limit the duration and frequency of each conversation.
I can do this, but my limitations and abilities have to acknowledged and honored too. Sometimes, if I'm honest, I am not always able to be the ear. This person hits the button on the hypersensitivities that exist in me with an alarmingly high rate. It's not done consciously but it does require a mental reset on my end. So, I schedule the calls when I am mentally and emotionally able to handle the conversation.
Lastly, this is not any one's fault. My already active sensitivity seems to be a little overactive to everything during these months. I say it every year. I should be smarter and take time between March and June. I don't/ I try to power through it and just get to to June 25th. But I don't and this year, almost worse than other years, it's kicking my ass. My anxiety comes in waves. The upside to that, is that this year, my anxiety is actually coming in waves that are large. I know that sounds odd, but when your anxiety is already high, it's hard to know what the triggers are because the waves are very tiny. When your anxiety is low, it's more noticeable. Mine has been at the lowest it's been in 5 years.
Why is it ramping up so high ? This is the five year anniversary and I turn 50, fifteen days before. It's also the 1 year anniversary of UB passing away, literally 2 days before that. I'm packing a lot of emotional landmines into a small time frame for which I am trying not to predict how I will feel when I get there, but rather put a tight fabric of support in place so I'm ready.
In my heart of hearts, I have known for months that something is brewing in my heart. My sleep is getting more and more disruptive and I'm finding myself not wanting to do anything more than sit on the couch. I'm focusing on combating those two specific items right now. So far, it's going in the right direction. Sometimes with better success than others.
It's really been a test for me. I'm really trying to turn many of the perceived negative things about myself and flipping those into positives. Manipulation of myself, I guess. I am trying to step into some larger self shoes, if you will, and make sure that I am available to those I love and care for while still practicing extreme self care.
In doing so, I am hoping to be a more compassionate person.
I've heard that I'm too much of these all of my life. It's always said in a derogatory fashion, as if this is a bad thing.
It's taken a while, but I don't think the level of sensitivity is the problem.
The reaction that I have to that sensitivity is.
It took me until, well, this week, to really figure that out.
John used to say it all the time, You aren't over sensitive, you are the right amount of sensitive for who you are. I've always thought it was sweet for him to try and phrase it in a nicer way, but the reality is, I've had too many years of hearing it as a negative personality trait to be able to see it as a positive one.
I've been dealing with a lot of situations that have me feeling emotionally raw and exposed of late. In trying to sort them out and make sense of what works for me and what doesn't, I got seriously frustrated and angry What did I do in the heat of battle, replayed the old messages, "I'm just too sensitive".
This time was different though. I stepped back and said to myself, "Self, how can I make that intense sensitivity work FOR me rather than against me? "
That's when it hit me.
I can use it as a tool to be more sensitive/compassionate to others.
I won't lie and tell you that I expect this will be easy or successful every time, but putting it to work in a different way than I've been doing since birth is a new challenge and kind of helping me redirect my sensitivity and frustrations.
I test drove it in a situation that demands focus, not on me, but on a person very close to me. This person is going through the early stages of grief for a spouse. The struggle here, is that this is a very personal and individual path. It's really challenging to not personalize on those conversations and just listen.
Roybert said it best. "We are on the same pathway through the darkness of grief, but the stops are experienced differently by each person. Just know that I'm only one stop ahead of you. Put your hand out if you stumble."
A little history here, so you can understand where this is going. I was told by my family, for pretty much my entire life that I am too sensitive and talk too much. That sums it up pretty well.
So back to the present, Our conversations, which are wonderful, have become very one sided as this person talks and asks questions and answers or completes my sentences for me. Not always correctly or in the direction I was planning to go. If I dare make a statement about not being an active participant in the conversation, or "let me finish my sentence", I get hit with something like "sorry, now you know what our lives were like growing up with you"
It's taken a LOT of work, but I realized that had to take a step back and make it not be about me. The cheap shots not withstanding - it wasn't about me. This person is needing the companionship of regular conversation that they no longer have with their spouse. They never let each other get a word in edgewise in life. So why would I expect to get the same? I realized I had become the surrogate spouse.
And you know what? That's OK with me. It's taken the better part of year for me to figure this out and decide to accept and step into that role. This person needs this time now to process and sort it out. All I can do now is limit the duration and frequency of each conversation.
I can do this, but my limitations and abilities have to acknowledged and honored too. Sometimes, if I'm honest, I am not always able to be the ear. This person hits the button on the hypersensitivities that exist in me with an alarmingly high rate. It's not done consciously but it does require a mental reset on my end. So, I schedule the calls when I am mentally and emotionally able to handle the conversation.
Lastly, this is not any one's fault. My already active sensitivity seems to be a little overactive to everything during these months. I say it every year. I should be smarter and take time between March and June. I don't/ I try to power through it and just get to to June 25th. But I don't and this year, almost worse than other years, it's kicking my ass. My anxiety comes in waves. The upside to that, is that this year, my anxiety is actually coming in waves that are large. I know that sounds odd, but when your anxiety is already high, it's hard to know what the triggers are because the waves are very tiny. When your anxiety is low, it's more noticeable. Mine has been at the lowest it's been in 5 years.
Why is it ramping up so high ? This is the five year anniversary and I turn 50, fifteen days before. It's also the 1 year anniversary of UB passing away, literally 2 days before that. I'm packing a lot of emotional landmines into a small time frame for which I am trying not to predict how I will feel when I get there, but rather put a tight fabric of support in place so I'm ready.
In my heart of hearts, I have known for months that something is brewing in my heart. My sleep is getting more and more disruptive and I'm finding myself not wanting to do anything more than sit on the couch. I'm focusing on combating those two specific items right now. So far, it's going in the right direction. Sometimes with better success than others.
It's really been a test for me. I'm really trying to turn many of the perceived negative things about myself and flipping those into positives. Manipulation of myself, I guess. I am trying to step into some larger self shoes, if you will, and make sure that I am available to those I love and care for while still practicing extreme self care.
In doing so, I am hoping to be a more compassionate person.
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