Life Lessons
This past 12 months have been weird.
This year has taught me some major life lessons. With the 5 year anniversary coming up, I feel that John would want me to honor them by articulating them for others.
First, I want to start by saying that I believe that I can survive almost anything. I'm not talking about cheating death and I'm not saying whatever it is won't change me or leave some kind of after effect. I'm saying that I can survive. When John died, I was convinced that I would be following in the days after. My broken heart was debilitating. I mean, down right, debilitating. I knew other widows and widowers and frankly, I was confused by how they were walking around, talking, breathing, and functioning.
Then one day, John's best friend, Roybert and I were having a conversation. This was very early on. He, a widower, told me that we were all just walking single file in the dark. Time didn't matter, and he was only a few steps ahead of me. If I needed help, I just had to reach out and he would be right in front of me. Powerful stuff. It brought a visual of a bunch of broken people wearing miners helmets with no lights shuffling along in the dark. And I had joined their ranks.
For the first time, I felt like there might be something to these people who were still walking around breathing, talking, living, loving - even after their hearts were ripped out. Over the next few years, I realized that I had some value to this earth and it had only gained importance. My friends and family really rallied around me.
During that time, slowly and gently, very small changes were made. And some big ones.
I had a ritual that on the day John passed, his mom and I would go out for lunch.
I had another ritual that on our anniversary, Jenna, Jeannie, Rebecca and me would have lunch.
Then his mom passed away. I replaced mom with Tay Tay the first year, because we needed each other. Then, as teens do, she was more about her friends and I was happy to see her skip off. Her mom, and the rest of my girls, came along and now we have lunch in June as well and add some ice cream and shopping.
I had to deal with the two cars I now owned. I drove his almost 20 year old van into the ground. Then I got my little silver bullet all fixed up and drove that until the universe decided that it was time for safe vehicles across the board.
I had a car accident. Silver Bullet was totaled.
I got a new car - an affordable car that was good for me and my life.
The van, while not running, was still being used as a storage facility for our band's gear. One day, my HOA decided all vehicles had to leave the parking area because they were going to pave.
After trying all other options, I got the vehicle towed to an alternate location, near a dumpster, where I proceeded to clear out the car and donate it to charity.
I also now had a parking spot for my new car.
The universe was presenting situations that were forcing me to act. it was creating the space for me to correct an imbalance. The van was an albatross. I needed that parking space for my new car, I needed to put the gear in safer location, I needed the van gone as the busybodies in my building were having a cow that it never moved out of my spot. The paving solved the all of that.
It wasn't until October 4, due to the loss of a major contract, I was the last person let go from the job I'd held for 10 years, that I realized I'd been living like someone who was transient. My home was just a crash pad, I would come home from work, eat, go to sleep and start over again.
I took a look around my environment and realized, like me, it was tired. In fact, exhausted.
The universe lends a hand. again.
October 5, I had an initial interview followed by a second interview that day. I was hired on October 8 to new company. A much better company in the long run, because it was further along in it's growth. It matched the place I wanted to be in my life. I was happy to go and they were happy to have me. I felt renewed, valuable, viable!
I was back, working from home! I LOVE working from home. I remembered when I first bought my home, my home office was amazing. It suddenly occurred to me, that my life had taken a very different turn in those years. The layout of my house was no longer the same as the last time I worked from home. I didn't have a desk large enough to support the equipment being sent to me for my new job. My office was in disarray. uh oh.
I didn't have a lot of time from the date I signed my offer to the time I came back from the western part of the country where the HQ is located. I was so stressed about traveling that I did nothing that wasn't focused entirely on that immediate need for travel.
Once I came home though, I took a good, hard look around. I cleared off John's desk. I moved his computer to my desk and set up shop. I oiled the wood, dusted and did the best I could with short time.
Then the list maker in me started. Oh boy. I was making lists of things to do in this house that were crazy. It started with a month of laundry. Every day, I did a load of laundry and then divided it into three piles. Save, donate, throw away. I learned during this time that I had have lower expectations of what could be done in a given time frame.
I started doing things in the house that would make me happy. I hung my Parisian art. I re finished the hutch in the dining room. I am still working on John's closets - but they are in progress not stagnant.
This year taught me more about grief and life than the 4 I've lived through already. Part of that lesson was learned by my mom. When UB died in June ( the day after John by the way), she went on a mission to clear the house. I mean a full on purge. I'm not sure I can ever do that, but I can say that it gave me the impetus to start and even complete some projects.
The life lessons I've learned this year are big. All these little anecdotes just highlight some bigger things for me.
This year has taught me some major life lessons. With the 5 year anniversary coming up, I feel that John would want me to honor them by articulating them for others.
First, I want to start by saying that I believe that I can survive almost anything. I'm not talking about cheating death and I'm not saying whatever it is won't change me or leave some kind of after effect. I'm saying that I can survive. When John died, I was convinced that I would be following in the days after. My broken heart was debilitating. I mean, down right, debilitating. I knew other widows and widowers and frankly, I was confused by how they were walking around, talking, breathing, and functioning.
Then one day, John's best friend, Roybert and I were having a conversation. This was very early on. He, a widower, told me that we were all just walking single file in the dark. Time didn't matter, and he was only a few steps ahead of me. If I needed help, I just had to reach out and he would be right in front of me. Powerful stuff. It brought a visual of a bunch of broken people wearing miners helmets with no lights shuffling along in the dark. And I had joined their ranks.
For the first time, I felt like there might be something to these people who were still walking around breathing, talking, living, loving - even after their hearts were ripped out. Over the next few years, I realized that I had some value to this earth and it had only gained importance. My friends and family really rallied around me.
During that time, slowly and gently, very small changes were made. And some big ones.
I had a ritual that on the day John passed, his mom and I would go out for lunch.
I had another ritual that on our anniversary, Jenna, Jeannie, Rebecca and me would have lunch.
Then his mom passed away. I replaced mom with Tay Tay the first year, because we needed each other. Then, as teens do, she was more about her friends and I was happy to see her skip off. Her mom, and the rest of my girls, came along and now we have lunch in June as well and add some ice cream and shopping.
I had to deal with the two cars I now owned. I drove his almost 20 year old van into the ground. Then I got my little silver bullet all fixed up and drove that until the universe decided that it was time for safe vehicles across the board.
I had a car accident. Silver Bullet was totaled.
I got a new car - an affordable car that was good for me and my life.
The van, while not running, was still being used as a storage facility for our band's gear. One day, my HOA decided all vehicles had to leave the parking area because they were going to pave.
After trying all other options, I got the vehicle towed to an alternate location, near a dumpster, where I proceeded to clear out the car and donate it to charity.
I also now had a parking spot for my new car.
The universe was presenting situations that were forcing me to act. it was creating the space for me to correct an imbalance. The van was an albatross. I needed that parking space for my new car, I needed to put the gear in safer location, I needed the van gone as the busybodies in my building were having a cow that it never moved out of my spot. The paving solved the all of that.
It wasn't until October 4, due to the loss of a major contract, I was the last person let go from the job I'd held for 10 years, that I realized I'd been living like someone who was transient. My home was just a crash pad, I would come home from work, eat, go to sleep and start over again.
I took a look around my environment and realized, like me, it was tired. In fact, exhausted.
The universe lends a hand. again.
October 5, I had an initial interview followed by a second interview that day. I was hired on October 8 to new company. A much better company in the long run, because it was further along in it's growth. It matched the place I wanted to be in my life. I was happy to go and they were happy to have me. I felt renewed, valuable, viable!
I was back, working from home! I LOVE working from home. I remembered when I first bought my home, my home office was amazing. It suddenly occurred to me, that my life had taken a very different turn in those years. The layout of my house was no longer the same as the last time I worked from home. I didn't have a desk large enough to support the equipment being sent to me for my new job. My office was in disarray. uh oh.
I didn't have a lot of time from the date I signed my offer to the time I came back from the western part of the country where the HQ is located. I was so stressed about traveling that I did nothing that wasn't focused entirely on that immediate need for travel.
Once I came home though, I took a good, hard look around. I cleared off John's desk. I moved his computer to my desk and set up shop. I oiled the wood, dusted and did the best I could with short time.
Then the list maker in me started. Oh boy. I was making lists of things to do in this house that were crazy. It started with a month of laundry. Every day, I did a load of laundry and then divided it into three piles. Save, donate, throw away. I learned during this time that I had have lower expectations of what could be done in a given time frame.
I started doing things in the house that would make me happy. I hung my Parisian art. I re finished the hutch in the dining room. I am still working on John's closets - but they are in progress not stagnant.
This year taught me more about grief and life than the 4 I've lived through already. Part of that lesson was learned by my mom. When UB died in June ( the day after John by the way), she went on a mission to clear the house. I mean a full on purge. I'm not sure I can ever do that, but I can say that it gave me the impetus to start and even complete some projects.
The life lessons I've learned this year are big. All these little anecdotes just highlight some bigger things for me.
- Don't put off till tomorrow what you can complete today.
- You can be good company for yourself
- Your environment should be a place that you can be yourself in
- Don't hold onto stuff you don't need
- Your value and worth is not always obvious.
- Sometimes an event that looks bad on the surface, is actually a good thing
- The universe will give you what you need.
- Sometimes, it's not about you, even when it looks like it is.
The universe lent a big hand. A huge hand in some cases. I no longer look at those events as random but try to find the lesson or imbalance that the universe is trying to communicate or correct.
Self Care and balance are probably the biggest lessons I've learned this year. I'm glad for them because it's making the grief manageable. I will miss John forever. But my life is OK. I laugh a lot. I'm re-acquainting myself with my spirituality. I have amazing friends and family.
I would almost say, I'm lucky.
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