The Contessa's New Reality

Most people have the ability to be good and evil.  I like to think of an angel and a "fallen" angel on each shoulder - one telling me "You are amazing, you have self control, you can DO this!" and the other saying "You are amazing - you want that cookie and are so good - you should HAVE that cookie".  Take as much time as you need here - these two are interchangeable .... Because neither is good OR bad. People are like this.  I don't see where anyone is all good or all bad.  I struggle with that.  There is evil in the world, that's true.  Just turn on any news program, anywhere and you can see it.  Why bother?  just walk out your front door and evil will cross your path. But so will goodness.  I happen to live very close to the city that never sleeps.  It's a busy, both beautiful and filthy.  There are homeless, gangs, great wealth, exquisite architecture, music, graffiti that should be in a museum ( some of it anyway), noise ...

I believe in God.  I think I always have, though my definition of "God" has definitely changed over time. I have no idea whether God is male or female - or even if God has to be one or the other.  I don't especially care.  I do care that God is benevolent and not vengeful.  I do believe, loosely,  in the Judeo-Christian history. I grew up with a basic religious background.  My parents were Lutheran.  We attended a Methodist church.  When my parents divorced, my dad became Anglican.  I've been Anglican since I was 12. My mom, on the other hand, decided that maybe she was an agnostic. She felt that when she had been going to church all those years of her life, she was there for the music and not the faith. As I grew older and learned more about the faith I had chosen,  I discovered how much a part of me it really was.  The music was a major part of that as well.  I would never voluntarily attend the 815 service at our churc...

Christmas Eve is a unique holiday.  It's technically still advent, at least til midnight, which is the period on the christian calendar of waiting and preparing.  It's become it's own holiday, in effect.  School is out by then.  Most companies are either half days, closed or a skeleton crew.  That affords it the "holiday" feel, To me, it also feels like the culmination of the holiday season rather than the beginning of the Christmas season. For me, the child of three working church musicians,  Christmas eve was a frenetic dance of "who has to be at what church at what time", " how much time do we have to eat between services" and finally "We still need to open our gifts, so when do we fit that in?". Oh right, you're probably wondering, why the gifts?  My father's family is German.  We do the celebrating on Christmas eve.  Which explains why Christmas day is almost anticlimactic.  We run around like manics on December 24 ...

Work/Life Balance. I was better at this while John was alive.  Largely because he worked nights, I worked days, so we didn't always have a lot of time together.  So 530 - I was out the door, on my way to teach and got myself home to dinner in enough time to spend quality time with him and off he would go. Even after he started working a normal day job, still with the night time gigs, I didn't alter my schedule. Then, not long after he passed, the job changed.  And all of sudden I was working some pretty crazy hours.  There was more work than there was of me. I was coming to the end of a rapidly fraying rope and getting no help.  Not anytime soon. Eventually - the cavalry came. But the damage was done.  I was now back in a routine I didn't belong in anymore.  I had no problem pulling long hours and no one knew better than me, what I was really doing. I was running away. Burying myself with work  Oops, did I say "Burying"?  I me...

Every time I hear the word, "Forgiveness",  I think of the Don Henley Song " Heart of the matter".  Today's subject isn't about the love relationship that is discussed in that song, but the chorus, "I've been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me" is the theme here. Today, it's about me collecting all my scattered thoughts on this person's behavior in the past 5 years. It's about not allowing myself get weak and back down. It's about me just forgiving her even if she no longer cares. Forgiveness is tough.  I can do it, but usually it's organic - I don't put effort into it.  I have to today, because she, unknowingly, has power over me, that I gave full permissions on, and need to take back. Dear H, You're on my mind a lot these days.  Largely because ...

Our guidance counselors and teachers have a tough task.  Their ever changing job description ranges from helping you iron out your schedule from year to year, identifying strengths and weaknesses and helping you make compensatory decisions, speaking to you and your parents about college, work or vocational decisions, identifying a crisis and getting that crisis managed and so much more.  It's a lot. I had great guidance counselors.  I have nothing but praise for them but then, I made it easy for them.  I didn't really complain, I didn't argue or fight with them.  I just did what I wanted. There was a point in time, when I was 10th grade, I decided that the English class I was in was not just too easy for me but way too easy.  I was a voracious reader and we had yet to read a book in class that I hadn't already read.  I was getting 100s without doing work. My writing was way above the average for the class.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a prodig...

Where did I come from? I was conceived in October - No surprise there - Both my mother and my father's birthdays are in October, so it's a crap shoot who's birthday it was when I was conceived.  Both are Libras.  They bore a Gemini. I was born in NY, both my parents were from Queens.  My Dad was first generation in this country, his family having emigrated from Germany.  My Mom's family had been around for some time already and were from all over Europe - largely, Germany and Scotland with a little Ireland, Belgium, Hungarian and French mixed in for fun. Both parents were / are teachers.  Both Musicians, they met during their undergrad when my mom was assigned to my dad as his accompanist.  They fell in love and got married. My mom had me at the ripe old age of 26 - fairly unheard of at the time - she was a little late in starting a family. My brother came along almost 4 years later  - another libra - score a point for them. That's all right ...

Dear John, I have started this new project namely writing in a journal. I have decided to use a guided method by using a deck of journal cards.  I shuffled them up and wouldn't you know it?  I have been tasked on my first post to write a letter to someone who has impacted my life.  It only seems fitting to start with a letter to you as my old reality ended with you. You changed my life from the moment I heard your name. From some friends of ours.  They took me to the bar where where your band was playing.  Oscar's.  I remember it well, that first time going there.  The first of literally thousands. The irony is, you weren't there.  Your band wasn't playing.  So we ate and drank and then went home. It wouldn't be for a few months more that I would run into you at an alumni event for a group we both belonged to at different times. The irony on that one, is you were about to get married.  in days.  To Emma. It didn't occur ...