Forgiveness, self care - it can have teeth - it can bite.
Does my forgiveness have teeth?
Meaning, when my forgiveness is tested, as it was yesterday, can it stand up and defend itself?
Yes, as it turns out. Not without backlash, but it can stand up and defend itself.
So when we last left Forgiveness, I had written that I was practicing forgiveness with my sister in law.
I still continue to practice that however, I want to be clear that when tested, as I was last night and continuing through today, I will speak the truth even if it contradicts the rewritten history she's created, I will not be erased because I'm not a part of that history and I still love her and still forgive her throughout all of this.
She is damaged. That predates her brother(s) dying by the way. She's been through a lot, seen and experienced things that I don't think anyone should have to. Losing her dad, her family literally splitting apart with all 4 kids living in 4 different homes with no explanation, both brothers and mom dying in less than 5 years of each other, an attack on her in her own home by a friend of her brother's, witnessing a gruesome death literally 2 weeks after one of her brother's died in their backyard, these are things that are not easily recoverable. And this is just scratching the surface.
I list them out so you understand that the damage is past, present and without help, future for her.
In the most recent of events, we have discovered that she has been rewriting her narrative. Frankly, with that list above - I would too. However, she is, also, attempting to rewrite MY narrative at the same time.
That, is not OK.
In her "perfect" version of events, John did not marry the Contessa and did not die. Reality strikes, he did die, so she's chosen to not "deal" with the widow (me) because that takes her out of the spotlight. Poor Eve. It's all about Eve.... ( Sorry, my sarcastic streak beckons)
She decided to take this public on Roybert's Facebook post. I have been blocked for years now, by her, so I can only see his responses. He put up a post that said RIP Jim Bouton. Then proceeded to elaborate by telling everyone that he had John's signed copy of "Ball Four" and the Seattle Pilots shirt that he gave John, was the shirt he was cremated in.
She said, and I quote, "Dude, Never happened". ( he sent me a picture )
So he texted me to be sure he was dealing in facts. Smart. Fair. Reasonable.
I responded that he was correct and that she was not present when any of the decisions were made at the funeral home for his wake and / or cremation. Nor was she present for the cremation itself. I dressed John alone. Only Jenna and Jeannie were there with me. This should have ended it, but no.
Here's the thing. I am not mad at her. I'm not even upset with her. She's damaged. I can't change her and I'm not going to try. I feel sorry for her that she's had to create a world and a history for herself that the people "in" it can't support for her. Her anger and impulsiveness causes her to call those people out who challenge that world and eventually eliminate them. Sadly, Roybert is the latest collateral damage in her quest to rewrite this history. He had to block her. A person he loves and cares for.
I do feel sorry for her. I do miss the sister in law that I believed was my friend and family. This person? No. I can't have her in my world in this condition. It disrupts my ability to move my life forward. It disturbs the "force" in my world which is John's spirit. Self care has to come first for me.
Make no mistake. John's been around since all this started. Yesterday, I got a notice from dropbox telling me my account is about to be discontinued. So I logged in, and found tons of video footage of his band playing. Pure Gold.
But you know what one of the songs I found was? "The heart of the matter". From 2011. What did I open my forgiveness post with? "The heart of the matter". Make no mistake, John was telling me something and the message was clear. Let this go and keep forgiving her.
Does my forgiveness have teeth? Yes, it does. I do and will continue to practice forgiving her, even as she erases me from her life and attempts to erase me from John's. I won't stand for inaccuracies that I can control and I won't stand by and allow her to pretend I didn't exist in his life.
Thankfully, these were never her decisions to make. Last night, she advised Roybert that she wasn't in a feud with me. That she's just choosing not to "deal" with me. The fact is, all of this is just the domino effect. If we tip the first domino, namely, dealing with me, then she is forced to acknowledge my existence. That then, forces her to have to deal in a different reality. Which she can't do. Hence "she's not dealing with me", pretending I don't exist. This new rewritten history has part of me thinking, I can expect to find a headstone in the family plot. Won't that be a kick in the head?
After all of that nonsense, I shed a few releasing tears, poured some coffee, adjusted my tiara and began adjusting my mindset in the forgiveness arena.
Then I saw this post:
"All we can really do is love people. We can't change them, or make them do things they're not ready to do. But we can love them.... sometimes from afar, but we can always send love their way."
Love might have been too strong last night. But today, it feels right. I will love her to the best of my ability but from afar. Not because she wants it, not even because John wants me to, but because it's right for me.
So, I continue to forgive her and continue to send her love.
Not for her.
Not even for him.
For me.
Meaning, when my forgiveness is tested, as it was yesterday, can it stand up and defend itself?
Yes, as it turns out. Not without backlash, but it can stand up and defend itself.
So when we last left Forgiveness, I had written that I was practicing forgiveness with my sister in law.
I still continue to practice that however, I want to be clear that when tested, as I was last night and continuing through today, I will speak the truth even if it contradicts the rewritten history she's created, I will not be erased because I'm not a part of that history and I still love her and still forgive her throughout all of this.
She is damaged. That predates her brother(s) dying by the way. She's been through a lot, seen and experienced things that I don't think anyone should have to. Losing her dad, her family literally splitting apart with all 4 kids living in 4 different homes with no explanation, both brothers and mom dying in less than 5 years of each other, an attack on her in her own home by a friend of her brother's, witnessing a gruesome death literally 2 weeks after one of her brother's died in their backyard, these are things that are not easily recoverable. And this is just scratching the surface.
I list them out so you understand that the damage is past, present and without help, future for her.
In the most recent of events, we have discovered that she has been rewriting her narrative. Frankly, with that list above - I would too. However, she is, also, attempting to rewrite MY narrative at the same time.
That, is not OK.
In her "perfect" version of events, John did not marry the Contessa and did not die. Reality strikes, he did die, so she's chosen to not "deal" with the widow (me) because that takes her out of the spotlight. Poor Eve. It's all about Eve.... ( Sorry, my sarcastic streak beckons)
She decided to take this public on Roybert's Facebook post. I have been blocked for years now, by her, so I can only see his responses. He put up a post that said RIP Jim Bouton. Then proceeded to elaborate by telling everyone that he had John's signed copy of "Ball Four" and the Seattle Pilots shirt that he gave John, was the shirt he was cremated in.
She said, and I quote, "Dude, Never happened". ( he sent me a picture )
So he texted me to be sure he was dealing in facts. Smart. Fair. Reasonable.
I responded that he was correct and that she was not present when any of the decisions were made at the funeral home for his wake and / or cremation. Nor was she present for the cremation itself. I dressed John alone. Only Jenna and Jeannie were there with me. This should have ended it, but no.
Here's the thing. I am not mad at her. I'm not even upset with her. She's damaged. I can't change her and I'm not going to try. I feel sorry for her that she's had to create a world and a history for herself that the people "in" it can't support for her. Her anger and impulsiveness causes her to call those people out who challenge that world and eventually eliminate them. Sadly, Roybert is the latest collateral damage in her quest to rewrite this history. He had to block her. A person he loves and cares for.
I do feel sorry for her. I do miss the sister in law that I believed was my friend and family. This person? No. I can't have her in my world in this condition. It disrupts my ability to move my life forward. It disturbs the "force" in my world which is John's spirit. Self care has to come first for me.
Make no mistake. John's been around since all this started. Yesterday, I got a notice from dropbox telling me my account is about to be discontinued. So I logged in, and found tons of video footage of his band playing. Pure Gold.
But you know what one of the songs I found was? "The heart of the matter". From 2011. What did I open my forgiveness post with? "The heart of the matter". Make no mistake, John was telling me something and the message was clear. Let this go and keep forgiving her.
Does my forgiveness have teeth? Yes, it does. I do and will continue to practice forgiving her, even as she erases me from her life and attempts to erase me from John's. I won't stand for inaccuracies that I can control and I won't stand by and allow her to pretend I didn't exist in his life.
Thankfully, these were never her decisions to make. Last night, she advised Roybert that she wasn't in a feud with me. That she's just choosing not to "deal" with me. The fact is, all of this is just the domino effect. If we tip the first domino, namely, dealing with me, then she is forced to acknowledge my existence. That then, forces her to have to deal in a different reality. Which she can't do. Hence "she's not dealing with me", pretending I don't exist. This new rewritten history has part of me thinking, I can expect to find a headstone in the family plot. Won't that be a kick in the head?
After all of that nonsense, I shed a few releasing tears, poured some coffee, adjusted my tiara and began adjusting my mindset in the forgiveness arena.
Then I saw this post:
"All we can really do is love people. We can't change them, or make them do things they're not ready to do. But we can love them.... sometimes from afar, but we can always send love their way."
Love might have been too strong last night. But today, it feels right. I will love her to the best of my ability but from afar. Not because she wants it, not even because John wants me to, but because it's right for me.
So, I continue to forgive her and continue to send her love.
Not for her.
Not even for him.
For me.
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