Forgiveness
Every time I hear the word, "Forgiveness", I think of the Don Henley Song " Heart of the matter". Today's subject isn't about the love relationship that is discussed in that song, but the chorus,
"I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me"
is the theme here. Today, it's about me collecting all my scattered thoughts on this person's behavior in the past 5 years. It's about not allowing myself get weak and back down.
It's about me just forgiving her even if she no longer cares.
Forgiveness is tough. I can do it, but usually it's organic - I don't put effort into it. I have to today, because she, unknowingly, has power over me, that I gave full permissions on, and need to take back.
Dear H,
You're on my mind a lot these days. Largely because the last and final shunning of me on social media that just occurred for reasons known only to you.
Oh sure, I can speculate all day long. I can think, "She's just damaged" or "She's crazy". I can be kinder and say "Each time she interacts with me, it brings her brother's death back, like ripping a band aid off.". But none of that is true or false. Or matters.
It used to. I thought, after John died, that we could lean on each other as family. I see now, that that was not possible. And once we lost mom, there was absolutely no reason to keep any level of connection with me at all.
I suppose what baffles me most, is the subsequent blocking from all social media - that's an act of hostility. The act of blocking isn't about content here, it's about me. It's as if you want to erase me from the universe.
I can't say that I don't care. Of course I care, you are my sister in law, and for better or for worse, I love you. You are wild and funny, your love of old movies, your love of NOLA, your love of music. Your ability to care for your aging mom til she passed. Your knowledge, your loyalty. So many things that I love and value in you.. How could I not care?
I remember inviting you to my bachelorette party. I knew that it wasn't your thing, but I wanted you to know that I wanted you there with me. You agonized on how to decline and wrote me a beautiful text message offering to do lobster, oysters and beer another night. You were thoughtful.
You were a bridesmaid in our wedding and gave me some beautiful photos from my bridal shower. A gifted photographer.
I can only think that you are truly still holding a grudge for the things your brother said to you, through me, in his last days. It makes me sad that you would shoot the messenger. I can see now that I did have another choice. I didn't have to send those texts to you and Janey on his behalf. I could have allowed him to think that I did - which would have been deceitful - but would have possibly preserved our relationship.
But would it?
I'm not so sure, given the recent hostility. I don't have any regrets about how my husband's life ended except for the obvious - it ended. He took his last breath surrounded in love and on his terms. How could I have really made a different choice and been deceitful?
I can't and won't belabor all the words between us in those last few weeks. It doesn't really change or service either of us. But I"m not going to hold them against you any longer. It ends now.
I expect that you won't forgive me for whatever transgressions you believe I've committed. Since I don't actually know what they are, specifically, I can't attempt to consider whether or not I should atone them. So I am choosing not to.
I do, however, forgive you.
I forgive you for not seeing the good in me and how happy I made your brother.
I forgive you for holding me accountable for his death.
I forgive you for your anger and calculated shunning and subsequent blocking of me.
I forgive you all of this and in doing so, I am realizing that I didn't need to have you in my life, but I wanted you there. I wanted you to be a part of my time here on this earth, because you are a part of John and John is a part of me.
H - I forgive you and wish you nothing but peace, love and happiness in your life.
"I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me"
is the theme here. Today, it's about me collecting all my scattered thoughts on this person's behavior in the past 5 years. It's about not allowing myself get weak and back down.
It's about me just forgiving her even if she no longer cares.
Forgiveness is tough. I can do it, but usually it's organic - I don't put effort into it. I have to today, because she, unknowingly, has power over me, that I gave full permissions on, and need to take back.
Dear H,
You're on my mind a lot these days. Largely because the last and final shunning of me on social media that just occurred for reasons known only to you.
Oh sure, I can speculate all day long. I can think, "She's just damaged" or "She's crazy". I can be kinder and say "Each time she interacts with me, it brings her brother's death back, like ripping a band aid off.". But none of that is true or false. Or matters.
It used to. I thought, after John died, that we could lean on each other as family. I see now, that that was not possible. And once we lost mom, there was absolutely no reason to keep any level of connection with me at all.
I suppose what baffles me most, is the subsequent blocking from all social media - that's an act of hostility. The act of blocking isn't about content here, it's about me. It's as if you want to erase me from the universe.
I can't say that I don't care. Of course I care, you are my sister in law, and for better or for worse, I love you. You are wild and funny, your love of old movies, your love of NOLA, your love of music. Your ability to care for your aging mom til she passed. Your knowledge, your loyalty. So many things that I love and value in you.. How could I not care?
I remember inviting you to my bachelorette party. I knew that it wasn't your thing, but I wanted you to know that I wanted you there with me. You agonized on how to decline and wrote me a beautiful text message offering to do lobster, oysters and beer another night. You were thoughtful.
You were a bridesmaid in our wedding and gave me some beautiful photos from my bridal shower. A gifted photographer.
I can only think that you are truly still holding a grudge for the things your brother said to you, through me, in his last days. It makes me sad that you would shoot the messenger. I can see now that I did have another choice. I didn't have to send those texts to you and Janey on his behalf. I could have allowed him to think that I did - which would have been deceitful - but would have possibly preserved our relationship.
But would it?
I'm not so sure, given the recent hostility. I don't have any regrets about how my husband's life ended except for the obvious - it ended. He took his last breath surrounded in love and on his terms. How could I have really made a different choice and been deceitful?
I can't and won't belabor all the words between us in those last few weeks. It doesn't really change or service either of us. But I"m not going to hold them against you any longer. It ends now.
I expect that you won't forgive me for whatever transgressions you believe I've committed. Since I don't actually know what they are, specifically, I can't attempt to consider whether or not I should atone them. So I am choosing not to.
I do, however, forgive you.
I forgive you for not seeing the good in me and how happy I made your brother.
I forgive you for holding me accountable for his death.
I forgive you for your anger and calculated shunning and subsequent blocking of me.
I forgive you all of this and in doing so, I am realizing that I didn't need to have you in my life, but I wanted you there. I wanted you to be a part of my time here on this earth, because you are a part of John and John is a part of me.
H - I forgive you and wish you nothing but peace, love and happiness in your life.
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