Not your typical "Dear John" Letter
Dear John,
I have started this new project namely writing in a journal. I have decided to use a guided method by using a deck of journal cards. I shuffled them up and wouldn't you know it? I have been tasked on my first post to write a letter to someone who has impacted my life.
It only seems fitting to start with a letter to you as my old reality ended with you.
You changed my life from the moment I heard your name. From some friends of ours. They took me to the bar where where your band was playing. Oscar's. I remember it well, that first time going there. The first of literally thousands.
The irony is, you weren't there. Your band wasn't playing. So we ate and drank and then went home.
It wouldn't be for a few months more that I would run into you at an alumni event for a group we both belonged to at different times. The irony on that one, is you were about to get married. in days. To Emma.
It didn't occur to me then, that this was anything monumental or earth shattering. Over time it became apparent that we would keep running into each other. The universe was definitely making it's intentions known.
After your marriage broke up, I remember being at Lilly's 40th birthday party with Jenna and Lou. You walked in, and I said to them, "Look - there's John! And He's divorced". They both stared at me and said - " How on earth could you know that? No one has heard from him in almost a year!" And I had no answer - I was surprised as they were.
I remember an email I got from you on Christmas Eve morning the following year later. You told me that you were a movie buff and did I want to see a film? Did I ? yes. You put your phone number in there so I called you. Right then. That morning. You were headed to Janey's to be with your nieces and nephews as a surprise for Christmas. But we decided to touch base after the holiday.
I remember that first date was to go see "Bowling for Columbine" twice in a row because we missed the beginning. You sure knew how to make a date memorable.
I remember the Thanksgiving dinner we had at Katie's house. I was working in the city and you volunteered to pick me up at the train station so we could go to that dinner together. Then you drove me back to my car at a different train station. You were wearing your Mets Jacket.
I remember 9-11 when I called you to tell you to get off the train. Don't come into NY. I was still there, but I was safe.
I remember Rehearsing for my uncles' retirement party with Lilly and Babs. Donuts, Snow peas and Pasta. That was really funny
I remember performing at Lilly's wedding together with my Uncle. I remember going back to her house after the reception and carrying on to the wee hours of the morning because there was a terrible Category 4 hurricane on the island they were going to and were delayed. You had your guitar, and I had the presence of mind to go all the way home and change my clothes - I remember wearing a white linen dress, with a navy blue crocheted shrug and brown high heeled sandals. You played "Wonderful tonight" and you sang it to me. Right there in her living room.
I remember the day you called me and told me that we couldn't date because you weren't ready after a 13 year relationship.
I remember the many commuter trains we rode where I listened to every version of "Come back to me" that you were working on. I heard it morph from a Rock and Roll song to the country song that it is today. I used that song to bring you back in the hospital the first time you went in. I used that song to bring you back from the induced coma. I also played it as part of a play list of your music in the hospital at the end your life.
I remember the night you called me on my way home from Church on Good Friday - or as I like to refer to it - a hell of a good Friday. I remember you saying you were on your way to me. I remember thinking how funny it was that you wanted to watch Harry Potter. Then I realized we wouldn't be watching it.
I remember going to a dinner dance to work the cocktail hour. I remember you walking in, and as you were hugging me - the photographer snapped a picture and said "your first official picture as a couple" I remember thinking "from your lips dude". I still have that photo.
I remember you asking me not to tell anyone about us yet. We knew too many of the same people and you weren't ready to be official just yet. It was then I realized you were still trying to sever ties with someone else. I felt sorry for her mostly. Because I knew about her, and she had no idea about me. The break up wasn't because of me, as you had started that process already, but she wasn't "getting it".
I remember coming home from teaching in January and finding all of your guitars, and some duffel bags of clothes in the house.. You said "we talked about this" and I remember thinking "No we didn't, but I wouldn't have said no". And I didn't.
I remember that March, you went to the hospital to try and figure out why you were coughing up blood.
I remember you telling me I couldn't come with you - that you needed to handle this your self.
I remember taking care of you as you took care of your brother dying from ALS.
I remember you collapsing in the ER.
I remember performing music together in our living room.
I remember performing "summer nights" at a karaoke competition and getting disqualified because we were "pros".
I remember you and your best friend had suddenly patched up a long standing disagreement. And you taking me to hear his band play.
I remember making plans to support the museum together.
I remember making plans to create a different home environment suitable to us both. We did that.
I remember taking ball room dancing just because it would be fun.
I remember the day you said you loved me for the first time.
I remember you proposing via text message. On Valentines Day. Then doing it right on one knee, with ring made from a twist tie from our wheat bread, with Bernie, Wanda and Mrs Bernie on speaker.
I remember going to my mom's to tell them we were engaged.
I remember getting married on that cold February day at our church with just Jenna, Lou, Ellen,.Jimmy, Jeannie, Panda, and Rev Cathy.
I remember having choir rehearsal and a well lubricated one at that, right after.
I remember finding Emmy out on the streets at night as we were driving home and returning her to her parents.
I remember picking the date to our Wedding as the date of your first wedding.
I remember the blizzard that kept me home from work, and how we used that day to create our wedding ceremony.
I remember how easy it was to plan the wedding and how few demands you had.
I remember playing cards against humanity with Steph and Ronnie for the first time. I remember you wouldn't tell me what Pix-elated Bukaki was. I know now.
I remember you naming Jeannie, Rebecca and me - The Iancorrigibles" and we still are but we've added a few members and now we are a band.
I remember the plans to buy a house - we looked all the time.
I remember going to Allie's birthday party together
I remember throwing your 55th birthday party.
I remember you conducting "Be Thou My Vision"
I remember going on bike rides all over town.
I remember playing Cards Against Humanity at church. How you and Steph were in a war to see who could get a Facebook post up faster when Jeannie said " I like Panda Sex"
As a followup, I remember you creating the picture of Panda and sending it to Jeannie - whiskers and all. You should know Panda is still called that and the joke persists everywhere now.
I remember you standing up for me, when another choir member punched me in the middle of rehearsal.
I remember the Caesar salad you used to make. Gene made it for me afterward once too.
I remember having the best wedding ever. People still talk about it.
I remember going to Art openings with you. I remember playing at art openings with you.
I remember watching you take your last breath. I remember crawling on the bed saying breathe dammit!
I remember that Rebecca and John, Jeannie, Pat, Jude, and Steph were there along with Mom and Dad.
I remember that my world shut down in that moment. The earth stopped spinning.
I remember Steph putting a shot in your hand as we all toasted you.
To say that you had an impact on my life would be an understatement. You may have been the single biggest impact to my life. You taught me things I didn't know. I wouldn't be at the church now, if not for you. I wouldn't be directing that choir if not for you. I would not have my band, named for you. I am lucky to have known you. Not many couples can work together with success - and we did.
WE DID IT.
And we brought people into that circle. We never fully realized the wedding band dream, but it ain't over yet.
Not many people can say that they married their best friend. We can. We did.
We created our own traditions that suited us. Christmas Eve's with Jeannie and Panda, Vodka Nights with John and Rebecca. Game Nights, coffee, Super bowl Sundays, birthdays with Jenna and Lou. Family holidays with your and my families.
So yes, my love, my husband, my best friend - you made a HUGE impact on my life. And with a five year anniversary of losing you fast approaching, I'm trying to put a little bit of this new reality into practice for myself. I know you are here. I know you are with me. I miss you every minute of every day. These memories are a drop in the bucket and are stream of consciousness. I am trying not to go back and edit or add more to "round them out" and include more people. There will be plenty of time here to talk about my family, your family and our chosen families.
Five years, baby. You are gone longer than we were married regardless of which wedding ceremony you count from.
My life is different now. Not better or worse - just different.
But because of you, I look at things a little differently now. I am able to see things in this world differently, I am more aware and more tolerant. Because of you, I am able to roll with punches in better way than I ever had before. I am open to things that were a hard "NO" before. I've learned so much from you.
The impact was such a complete package that I am forever changed as a result. I would say for the better. I think most would agree,
For the last time,
HONEY!
( I love you)
Loving you always,
Your Baby.
I have started this new project namely writing in a journal. I have decided to use a guided method by using a deck of journal cards. I shuffled them up and wouldn't you know it? I have been tasked on my first post to write a letter to someone who has impacted my life.
It only seems fitting to start with a letter to you as my old reality ended with you.
You changed my life from the moment I heard your name. From some friends of ours. They took me to the bar where where your band was playing. Oscar's. I remember it well, that first time going there. The first of literally thousands.
The irony is, you weren't there. Your band wasn't playing. So we ate and drank and then went home.
It wouldn't be for a few months more that I would run into you at an alumni event for a group we both belonged to at different times. The irony on that one, is you were about to get married. in days. To Emma.
It didn't occur to me then, that this was anything monumental or earth shattering. Over time it became apparent that we would keep running into each other. The universe was definitely making it's intentions known.
After your marriage broke up, I remember being at Lilly's 40th birthday party with Jenna and Lou. You walked in, and I said to them, "Look - there's John! And He's divorced". They both stared at me and said - " How on earth could you know that? No one has heard from him in almost a year!" And I had no answer - I was surprised as they were.
I remember an email I got from you on Christmas Eve morning the following year later. You told me that you were a movie buff and did I want to see a film? Did I ? yes. You put your phone number in there so I called you. Right then. That morning. You were headed to Janey's to be with your nieces and nephews as a surprise for Christmas. But we decided to touch base after the holiday.
I remember that first date was to go see "Bowling for Columbine" twice in a row because we missed the beginning. You sure knew how to make a date memorable.
I remember the Thanksgiving dinner we had at Katie's house. I was working in the city and you volunteered to pick me up at the train station so we could go to that dinner together. Then you drove me back to my car at a different train station. You were wearing your Mets Jacket.
I remember 9-11 when I called you to tell you to get off the train. Don't come into NY. I was still there, but I was safe.
I remember Rehearsing for my uncles' retirement party with Lilly and Babs. Donuts, Snow peas and Pasta. That was really funny
I remember performing at Lilly's wedding together with my Uncle. I remember going back to her house after the reception and carrying on to the wee hours of the morning because there was a terrible Category 4 hurricane on the island they were going to and were delayed. You had your guitar, and I had the presence of mind to go all the way home and change my clothes - I remember wearing a white linen dress, with a navy blue crocheted shrug and brown high heeled sandals. You played "Wonderful tonight" and you sang it to me. Right there in her living room.
I remember the day you called me and told me that we couldn't date because you weren't ready after a 13 year relationship.
I remember the many commuter trains we rode where I listened to every version of "Come back to me" that you were working on. I heard it morph from a Rock and Roll song to the country song that it is today. I used that song to bring you back in the hospital the first time you went in. I used that song to bring you back from the induced coma. I also played it as part of a play list of your music in the hospital at the end your life.
I remember the night you called me on my way home from Church on Good Friday - or as I like to refer to it - a hell of a good Friday. I remember you saying you were on your way to me. I remember thinking how funny it was that you wanted to watch Harry Potter. Then I realized we wouldn't be watching it.
I remember going to a dinner dance to work the cocktail hour. I remember you walking in, and as you were hugging me - the photographer snapped a picture and said "your first official picture as a couple" I remember thinking "from your lips dude". I still have that photo.
I remember you asking me not to tell anyone about us yet. We knew too many of the same people and you weren't ready to be official just yet. It was then I realized you were still trying to sever ties with someone else. I felt sorry for her mostly. Because I knew about her, and she had no idea about me. The break up wasn't because of me, as you had started that process already, but she wasn't "getting it".
I remember coming home from teaching in January and finding all of your guitars, and some duffel bags of clothes in the house.. You said "we talked about this" and I remember thinking "No we didn't, but I wouldn't have said no". And I didn't.
I remember that March, you went to the hospital to try and figure out why you were coughing up blood.
I remember you telling me I couldn't come with you - that you needed to handle this your self.
I remember taking care of you as you took care of your brother dying from ALS.
I remember you collapsing in the ER.
I remember performing music together in our living room.
I remember performing "summer nights" at a karaoke competition and getting disqualified because we were "pros".
I remember you and your best friend had suddenly patched up a long standing disagreement. And you taking me to hear his band play.
I remember making plans to support the museum together.
I remember making plans to create a different home environment suitable to us both. We did that.
I remember taking ball room dancing just because it would be fun.
I remember the day you said you loved me for the first time.
I remember you proposing via text message. On Valentines Day. Then doing it right on one knee, with ring made from a twist tie from our wheat bread, with Bernie, Wanda and Mrs Bernie on speaker.
I remember going to my mom's to tell them we were engaged.
I remember getting married on that cold February day at our church with just Jenna, Lou, Ellen,.Jimmy, Jeannie, Panda, and Rev Cathy.
I remember having choir rehearsal and a well lubricated one at that, right after.
I remember finding Emmy out on the streets at night as we were driving home and returning her to her parents.
I remember picking the date to our Wedding as the date of your first wedding.
I remember the blizzard that kept me home from work, and how we used that day to create our wedding ceremony.
I remember how easy it was to plan the wedding and how few demands you had.
I remember playing cards against humanity with Steph and Ronnie for the first time. I remember you wouldn't tell me what Pix-elated Bukaki was. I know now.
I remember you naming Jeannie, Rebecca and me - The Iancorrigibles" and we still are but we've added a few members and now we are a band.
I remember the plans to buy a house - we looked all the time.
I remember going to Allie's birthday party together
I remember throwing your 55th birthday party.
I remember you conducting "Be Thou My Vision"
I remember going on bike rides all over town.
I remember playing Cards Against Humanity at church. How you and Steph were in a war to see who could get a Facebook post up faster when Jeannie said " I like Panda Sex"
As a followup, I remember you creating the picture of Panda and sending it to Jeannie - whiskers and all. You should know Panda is still called that and the joke persists everywhere now.
I remember you standing up for me, when another choir member punched me in the middle of rehearsal.
I remember the Caesar salad you used to make. Gene made it for me afterward once too.
I remember having the best wedding ever. People still talk about it.
I remember going to Art openings with you. I remember playing at art openings with you.
I remember watching you take your last breath. I remember crawling on the bed saying breathe dammit!
I remember that Rebecca and John, Jeannie, Pat, Jude, and Steph were there along with Mom and Dad.
I remember that my world shut down in that moment. The earth stopped spinning.
I remember Steph putting a shot in your hand as we all toasted you.
To say that you had an impact on my life would be an understatement. You may have been the single biggest impact to my life. You taught me things I didn't know. I wouldn't be at the church now, if not for you. I wouldn't be directing that choir if not for you. I would not have my band, named for you. I am lucky to have known you. Not many couples can work together with success - and we did.
WE DID IT.
And we brought people into that circle. We never fully realized the wedding band dream, but it ain't over yet.
Not many people can say that they married their best friend. We can. We did.
We created our own traditions that suited us. Christmas Eve's with Jeannie and Panda, Vodka Nights with John and Rebecca. Game Nights, coffee, Super bowl Sundays, birthdays with Jenna and Lou. Family holidays with your and my families.
So yes, my love, my husband, my best friend - you made a HUGE impact on my life. And with a five year anniversary of losing you fast approaching, I'm trying to put a little bit of this new reality into practice for myself. I know you are here. I know you are with me. I miss you every minute of every day. These memories are a drop in the bucket and are stream of consciousness. I am trying not to go back and edit or add more to "round them out" and include more people. There will be plenty of time here to talk about my family, your family and our chosen families.
Five years, baby. You are gone longer than we were married regardless of which wedding ceremony you count from.
My life is different now. Not better or worse - just different.
But because of you, I look at things a little differently now. I am able to see things in this world differently, I am more aware and more tolerant. Because of you, I am able to roll with punches in better way than I ever had before. I am open to things that were a hard "NO" before. I've learned so much from you.
The impact was such a complete package that I am forever changed as a result. I would say for the better. I think most would agree,
For the last time,
HONEY!
( I love you)
Loving you always,
Your Baby.
Comments
Post a Comment